Marriage & Family
Taunts and scolds about life in the “second home” aren’t something new to a girl, especially in Pakistan. They are a way, that God knows who developed, to “train” our daughters. Yes, train them and let them know how life is going to be in the “second home”. It is the same dreaded “second home” that she has nightmares about.
We have a small number of males questioning themselves about their wife or partner. Why is she not what they wanted her to be? Why is she so dependent? Why won’t she try and be confident and face the crowd? To be honest, I have yet to witness a male wanting all those things in a woman.
More than males, there are females, like mothers, friends or relatives, with a good sense of humanity inside them, who feel the pain that their fellow goes through when faced with a situation. Why the female that they care about puts up with so much in her life and still wants to smile? Why she won’t take a stand for what she deserves, snatch it if she has to?
“Ham ne tou puri zindagi isi haal may guzar di” the claim of having spent their entire life the same way. I hear it all the time with females I try to encourage, mostly wives. And with my blaming tendency, the fault in my mind for her flight attitude goes to her parents. I blame her parents!
Yes, her parents. Who made sure that her life in her own home should be spent being humiliated if her roti isn’t round enough. Whose father made every effort in letting her know that no one would ever put up with her clumsiness in the “second home”. No one is going to come to her and wipe her tears, serve her, ask her of her health, put up with her ‘wrong tone of voice’ and what not.
Not many parents exist who realize what their words do to their daughters. They will be the reason if she has to spend her life in pain. If she ever faced commitment issues, it would be the parent’s fault. They don’t realize that their harsh words imprint in her brain (not the Twilight; Jacob imprint, but a much stronger and lasting imprint). Their taunts can distort her personality and change her entire being. A good enough girl will never be what she can be if you keep reminding her of what she is not.
Instead of spitting her mistakes in her face, parents should practice encouraging the habits that they want in her. Demotivating her by showing her an image of the dark future that awaits her is going to lead her into the life that you curse her about. Parents usually exaggerate the disappointments they feel if she does a mistake in the chores and then start bombarding her with guilt provoking statements. Using especial sentences that make her shameful is one of the worst practices in human race. Purposely humiliating a girl, or anyone, shatters their beliefs in themselves and gives rise to low self esteem.
And the practice is not just limited to mistakes. Even if she delays something, says something bad, the whole household pounds on her with words from hell. Parents encourage her siblings in doing the same, especially her brothers. If in the future she faces issues with her husband, the parents turn a blind eye. They defend themselves by saying; “ham se jitna hua ham ne kiya” (we did all we could).
They did actually. They did everything they could to destroy her life. Parents ought to take responsibility for their actions. If, for once, they try to tell her things politely and in a loving manner, they are more likely to see improvement instead of increment in her mistakes.